


Through you, thanks to you, because of you

by Lord_SC



Category: Breaking Bad
Genre: Dark, Gen, Hatred, Reflection, Self-Reflection, blame
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-11-01
Updated: 2019-11-01
Packaged: 2020-12-24 09:35:48
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 538
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/21097301
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Lord_SC/pseuds/Lord_SC
Summary: A ruined Jesse reflects on what brought him to his lowest point —or rather, who did.





	Through you, thanks to you, because of you

**Author's Note:**

> I wrote this short text a long, long time ago, while watching Breaking Bad, and didn't think I'd ever post it. But given the movie El Camino got out, I thought I'd celebrate its release (and the fact it slightly stirred the ashes of the Breaking Bad fandom) by making this story public. It's not long or pompous, it just kind of exists.

A while ago, I was nothing. A mud pile, that you took in your hands, kneaded, and shaped in… Your own image? No. But the image of what you needed? Oh, that you did…

I owe you almost everything I ever received, it’s true. All the money, all the material possessions, my reputation… But also all the scars, all the blows, and my reputation.

Paradoxical, ain’t it? Just like the fact that, since I was necessary to you, you made yourself necessary to me, I guess… You gave me everything, but all that, what was it but collateral? You didn’t even do so on purpose. In regards to me, the only thing you ever did of your own free will and in all awareness was carve me, train me, make me the key that would open you any door… Make me an object, a multipurpose, miraculous tool. But a tool nonetheless. Your tool.

I was a frail little thing, you made a sturdy wall out of me.  
I was lost, and you gave me all the wrong directions.  
I was sensitive, wore my heart on my sleeve, almost pathetic in a way, and quite the coward… You stripped me of all my fears, all my feelings, and threw them away from my heart. I earned some bravery, a few muscles, and that frightening aura around me, and I lost everything that mattered. Scaring all the scum of the underworld in which I work —by your fault— is a perk. But when normal people flee upon seeing me… It’s as if a needle prickles what is left of my heart. And that you are the one holding it.

I don’t recognize the reflection in the mirror anymore. My eyes are those of a killer, when they used to be soft and sparkling. What have you done to me?

I was an idiot, and you knew it. I was cheeky… But also in awe of the world around me. I had a sense of wonder. I liked life. Maybe its less conventional aspects, but I liked life. But now? Each waking moment is an agony, an eternity spent waiting for someone to kill me —and everyone is too terrorized of me to do so.

You gave me an empire, when all I asked for was to keep living as I used to.

I was nothing, but I was happy, in my own way.  
Nobody knew that I existed, and it was better than living in constant fear.  
I was myself. And not your creature.

Have you ever imagined that I might not have wanted to be your puppet, your thing? Have you thought about how I was feeling? Haven’t you contemplated for a single moment that I could like to be pitiful but peaceful, more than being a murderer spending sleepless nights reliving his crimes?

My hands are covered in blood, and you are the one who drew it. I prefer existing as an innocent mud pile to being a bloodstained statue.

You are the beginning of everything: everything I’ve done, everything I’m doing, everything I will ever do, everything I am and everything I will remain. You are my god, and the one who stole… All I believed in.


End file.
